


This Sort of Thing is Old-Fashioned

by CadetDru



Series: Good Night, Staten Island.  Good Night [3]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale, What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Bad Hypnosis, Cecil Palmer's Fashion Sense, Human Cecil Palmer, Hypnosis, M/M, Non-Human Cecil Palmer, Past Earl Harlan/Cecil Palmer, Steve Carlsberg is Not a Jerk, The Desert Is Too Hot, The Voice of Night Vale, Travelling Coffin, Vacation, Voice Kink, should I stay or should I go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:53:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24564928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CadetDru/pseuds/CadetDru
Summary: Guillermo and Nandor travel to Night Vale to study hypnotism.
Relationships: Carlos/Cecil Palmer, Guillermo/Nandor the Relentless (What We Do in the Shadows TV)
Series: Good Night, Staten Island.  Good Night [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1768738
Comments: 11
Kudos: 48





	1. My Sister told me be careful when falling in love

**Author's Note:**

> Titles from "Remember Us" by Gabriel Royal

"Master, are you ready to go?" Guillermo asked. He had Nandor's special travelling coffin ready to go, a cab waiting to take them to the train station that would take them to Night Vale. He was going to see Cousin Carlos for the first time in ages, going to see Night Vale for the first time at all. And he was going to show off his Master, if only the Master would get into the coffin.

"I don't trust this Night Vale."

Guillermo couldn't argue the point. "Carlos will protect us. He's like a superhero there. From what little he says about it, and what a lot Cecil says, Carlos is like the main town protector. Cecil is the Lois Lane to his Clark Kent. Or maybe Bruce Wayne. Batman was a scientist."

Nandor's scowl of mistrust was now a scowl of confusion.

"They want to see how you hypnotize, Master," Guillermo said. His smile was innocent and proud, not mocking. 

Nandor nodded, and moved over to Guillermo, stalking and stomping to make some kind of point. He pressed his hands into Guillermo's ears, then moved them to the back of Guillermo's head. "You are my familiar. I will protect you."

"Thank you, Master," Guillermo said. Staring up at Nandor, he could only hear his pulse rushing in his ears.

"No one else will have you."

Guillermo nodded, not wanting to lost Nandor's touch. No one else wanted him, it wouldn't be any kind of hardship.

Nandor lightly kissed Guillermo's forehead. He kept his head there. "Only my voice will have any power over you. You will resist all others."

Guillermo wasn't breathing. "Yes, Master," he said with what might have been his last breath.

Nandor moved further, pressed his lips to Guillermo's before stepping back. "Remember that I am a great hypnotist, and that you are mine. That is all."

Guillermo couldn't even say "yes, Master" to that. He started to breathe again.

Nandor spread his arms wide. "Now, help me into this travelling coffin!"


	2. My father told me be careful, take only your needs

The radio was on because that was just how it worked in Night Vale. Guillermo was waiting for sundown, wanting to see his Master before venturing out further into the town. They were in the guest room of Cecil's home. Carlos was at the lab. Cecil was at the radio station. Nandor was still in his travelling coffin.

"A new man came to town, for vacation today," Cecil said. It was supposed to be the traffic report. "It's hard to find Night Vale, but the train brought him. He's not a threatening man to look at, but he is stronger than you might think. He can defend, and he can attack, but he does not like to. He knows how to fight vampires and other creatures of the night. He knows how to logically and logistically deal with these things, how to get rid of all sorts of bodies." Cecil's voice dropped at this, intimately insinuated itself into Guillermo's ear.

Guillermo didn't know who could have come to Night Vale that would be able to do all of that. He hadn't seen anyone else on the train at all, not another soul or body. He didn't think the train was real.

"This man came to town wearing a ridiculously hot sweater for our climate. Even with his hard-won wisdom, he has blind spots. He'll adjust, as he helps his family protect this town from outside threats. The train might not be there to take him when he wants to leave. He might not want to leave. This has been… traffic."

"Who's this man he's speaking of?" Nandor asked.

"Master!" Guillermo was sitting right next to Nandor's coffin. He hadn't heard it open, hadn't heard Nandor sit up.

"The Voice woke me up again," Nandor whined. "We must talk to him to change this place, this fate. I don't want any more vampire killers. Those are dangerous people to have around. Guillermo, you should kill the other vampire killers."

"I think the Voice meant me, Master," Guillermo said softly. He knew that Nandor could still hear him.

"I thought I told you to ignore this Voice!" Nandor had, and he had failed. Nandor carefully extracted himself from the coffin, slapping away Guillermo's hands. " He shouldn't talk about you. You are my familiar. He should get his own." 

"I think he has interns for that. You'll meet him. We've been invited for a late dinner. Human food for us, and a blood...thing...for you." Guillermo brushed invisible lint from Nandor's cape. 


	3. But just like a child I went and bit off just a little too much

There was no specific dress code for dinner in the Palmer household. Cecil was wearing a v-neck sweater spun of spiderwebs over jeans made of what looked like wheat; he promised that it was not real wheat, only faux that he was wearing to bring attention to the continued ban of wheat and wheat-byproducts that was reflected in their evening meal. Carlos was wearing his home lab coat over a normal v-neck and normal jeans. Nandor was wearing his travelling layers of proper vampire attire, body concealed even from the evening's moonlight. Guillermo had shed a couple of layers, less protecting him. A more modest v-neck of his own. A V for everyone but the vampire. 

"We made gazpacho!" Cecil said, excited. His Voice was less powerful than over the radio. It was still hard to tell what he looked like. For some reason, it was even hard to tell how many eyes he had. That wasn't a normal thought to have. Guillermo and Nandor both found themselves staring at him, trying to decipher what he was. The squinted, they closed one eye, they focused on a spot just behind him. It didn't change anything.

He set bowls in front of them. Nandor's was red.

"I cannot eat human food," Nandor said, pushing it away. Not a drop spilled.

"It's made with blood. No garlic, I promise." Cecil smiled. He gestured from Nandor to take the bowl again. "We try to be accommodating of our guests."

"Night Vale gets guests?" Nandor asked.

"Not too many."

Nandor nodded, picking up his spoon. He took a sip. "It was that way in Al Quolanudar."

Guillermo started to eat his own food, relieved that Nandor was relaxing.

"Are you excited for the experiments to begin?" Cecil asked. Carlos shook his head, reaching for Cecil's hand. "The set-up at the lab sounds amazing."

"We'll talk about it in the morning. We'll go there before dawn," Carlos said, looking to Nandor. Nandor wasn't looking at either of them. He was focused on Guillermo.

"Guillermo will accompany us."

"Actually, I thought Memo and Cecil should stay here. Guillermo needs to sleep."

Nandor gasped, stared at Carlos with quick breaks to stare at the other two. "You would condone this! Your own cousin!"

"Master!" Guillermo said softly.

"Your own cousin... separated from his master," Nandor said, trying to recover. He took Guillermo's hand. "It isn't natural. It wouldn't be right."

"Okay," Carlos said, looking at Cecil for reassurance. "Guillermo will come too, if he wants."

"He does," Nandor said. He let go of Guillermo's hand and went back to his bloody meal.


	4. But just like a man I went and treaded into waters too deep

Guillermo wasn't supposed to be the test subject. Nandor was supposed to be hypnotizing random people. His ability to hypnotize Guillermo was iffy at best. His ability to control Guillermo with his voice was very, very good. Guillermo was the familiar. He was supposed to do what his master said, and he did. It made him feel warm inside. That didn't need scientific study. It especially didn't need scrutiny from Guillermo's cousin. 

It was private, it was theirs. It was obvious to anyone who interacted with them both. Guillermo was Nandor's, was anything he wanted. Nandor could make him feel anything and everything. Aroused and heartbroken were two common feelings, often at the same time. 

The lab was completely artificially lit. Nandor was being catered to, carefully protected. Nandor was focusing on the random people presented to him. He was also focusing on Carlos and on Guillermo. He was indulging all of them, a generous whim on his part.

Affection was the current feeling. Guillermo held onto that as he let himself fall asleep. He was on his guard, but he felt protected as well. He was only a little worried that he would talk in his sleep. 

"Slumber peacefully," Nandor shouted, snapping Guillermo out of it. He considered the command for a minute, and closed his eyes again. 

"In your experience, do other vampires have different levels of vocal control?" Carlos asked, trying to be as quiet and tactful as possible. 

"Mine is the most respectful," Nandor bragged. "Nandor the Relentless need not overly tax his subjects!"

"That's very kind of you," Carlos said.

Nandor bared his fangs and hissed. "Can your husband say the same?"

"Cecil?"

"He seduces and suborns with his voice. He is the Voice of this place, designated to rule all the lesser minds! Does he abuse his power?"

"No," Carlos said.

Nandor stalked over to the sleeping Guillermo. "Good."

"We brought your coffin here for the day," Carlos said. "Someone will wake you."

"Guillermo." Nandor gently touched his familiar's hair.

"Someone," Carlos said. "Memo still needs to sleep."


	5. I don't know, no I don't know, this I know

Night Vale was separating Guillermo and Nandor. No one seemed to explicitly disapprove, it's just that they were being diverted. 

The nights weren't long enough for Nandor. The days were too hot for Guillermo. They listened to Cecil together in the guest room where they were staying when Nandor awoke in the evenings.

"He is targeting me now!" Nandor cried. It was their fifth night. They would be leaving soon, if they catch the train. 

"I don't think he is targeting you, Master." Guillermo and Nandor were sitting on a loveseat, facing the old-fashioned radio. 

"He speaks, and I must pay attention. I believe him. If he gave me a command, I would do it." Nandor pulled Guillermo to his feet. He clutched Guillermo's shoulder and stared into his eyes. "Do you feel this, too?"

"Only for you, Master," Guillermo said. Nandor kissed that traitorous mouth, a real if closed-lip kiss. Guillermo exhaled when Nandor pulled away. "I mean, Cecil's voice is compelling, you shouldn't feel threatened by that."

"You will not be taken from me to serve another." Nandor squeezed Guillermo's shoulders. 

"I don't think I'm qualified to be an intern at the radio station. Cecil did seem excited about the idea. He said I have... skills... that would apply."

"These skills of yours, they will only be used on me."

Guillermo didn't want to use any vampire killing skills on Nandor. He bit his lower lip, holding it for a second before Nandor kissed him again.

"Did Cecil command you to do this?" Guillermo said, coming dangerously close to a squeak. He cleared his throat. "You've never... we've never... it's never been like this before. And now we're here and it's just... different. Why?"

"You are mine," Nandor said flatly. "If I have to make known to you, to the others, then I will."

"You don't like me."

"You can't erase my feelings, Guillermo. You do not have the gift."

Guillermo stepped back, but Nandor still held him. "Master," he said softly. Nandor let him go. 


	6. Here we go oh oh again

It was the last full day in Night Vale for Guillermo and Nandor. Carlos was done experimenting on Nandor, and Guillermo was done dealing with Nandor's insecurities. It was their last day, then the last night, then back to Staten Island where Nandor would stop kissing Guillermo to make a point.

Guillermo was at the Moonlite All-Nite Diner, trying the invisible pie that Steve Carlsberg has recommended to him. Steve was the nicest guy that Guillermo had met in Night Vale. He didn't shout "Interloper!" at Guillermo the way the others did. Steve was at work at the bank. Cecil was doing something bizarre but vitally important, somewhere. Carlos was sleeping. Nandor was sleeping. Everyone was working or sleeping but Guillermo.

"Hi," a man said, sitting down next to Guillermo at the counter. Middle-aged, blandly handsome, slight beard and a warm smile. His voice wasn't as smooth as Guillermo expected. "Guillermo de la Cruz, right?"

Guillermo nodded, stil, chewing a bite. The man wasn't screaming interloper. That was a good sign. But he was a human, or human-like, and Guillermo kind of wanted to be left alone. 

"Earl Harlan. I'm a friend of Cecil's." His voice was cheerful, polite, not at all intimidating. Guillermo didn't want to be rude and ask him to leave.

Guillermo swallowed the pie. "Right, right."

"We've got a special menu planned for you and your… employer… tonight." Earl cleared his throat.

"You're from the restaurant," Guillermo said. 

"Yeah, I'm the sous chef at Tourniquet. We have some great ideas, I have to tell you." Earl's voice dropped. "It's really been a great opportunity for Tourniquet. There's so much that we leave alone every day, so much that we get rid of because it isn't palatable for most people. Things that could be perfect for someone with the right appetite. We know that your employer has different tastes than the standard. I was looking at some congealing blood and I just thought…" Earl's voice brightened: "that would be perfect in a Jello mold!" 

Guillermo nodded encouragingly, catching his breath and looking back at his plate where the invisible pie probably was. "So, are you...one of Carlos' test subjects, too?"

"No, why?" Earl said, still using his bright and happy neighbor voice.

"Yeah, but you just…" Guillermo trailed off. Guillermo did not ask if he was a serial killer, if he had a boyfriend already, or if there were any straight men in Night Vale besides Steve Carlsberg. "So you're from Night Vale?"

Earl nodded. "I grew up with Cecil. I think it's fair to say I'm his oldest living friend."

There were a few different ways that sentence was potentially deceptive. Guillermo didn't want to think about any of them. "Cecil knows...everything and narrates it all… you know that's weird, right?"

"You brought a vampire across the country to let your cousin record him."

"Yes. That is also weird. But less weird."

"So, there's a spectrum, then."

"Mast… Nandor. My employer. He thinks Cecil's voice is dangerous."

"Carlos is dangerous," Earl said. He sounded resigned. "He's been researching the hypnotic effects of human and human-like voices for a while. Ongoing study. I know that Cecil's been very interested in this whole vampiric hypnosis. Controlling someone with just your voice seems to be his latest obsession. He doesn't think it can be real."

"But he does it, right? All the time." Guillermo waved his hand at the diner patrons. They were already looking his way. "Fuck."

"Cecil doesn't do it on purpose. Not unless he has to." Earl shook his head. "Even for Carlos, I mean. He brought him back from the dead at least once, I'm pretty sure. Carlos is reckless like that."

"Does my dangerous cousin know that you're in love with his husband?" Guillermo said. 

Earl shrugged. "Everyone falls a little bit in love with Cecil. Well, not everyone. When I was nineteen, I knew I loved him. I was nineteen for a long time. He grew up, we grew apart. I'm his friend." Earl's smile was as wide as the cloudless sky.

"So, does Carlos know?" Guillermo said. He didn't want to keep poking at it, but now he was worried. 

Earl cleared his throat. "Yes," he said in the deeper and darker voice that he had kept pushed aside. "He's not threatened by me because we both know our place in Night Vale." Each word was carefully chosen. "Life is better when you know yourself, know what you want and what you can have and how to balance the two."

Guillermo pressed his lips together. There was no camera for him to stare into knowingly, no one sitting beside for him to roll his eyes. He was just sitting at the diner counter with this nice man, and they each were projecting all of their relationship hang-ups onto the other. It wasn't a great way to kill some time, but it seemed less potentially fatal than most Night Vale activities.

"Well, it was nice meeting you," Earl said, back to bright and pleasant. "I look forward to seeing you tonight."

"Thanks," Guillermo said. "Sorry."

Earl walked away. Guillermo tried to figure out how to pay his check. 


	7. No, I don't remember us falling in love

The final night dinner at Tourniquet was disturbing. The room was windowless and all black. The waiter was blindfolded. The decor was all red and black. 

"Have you learned enough of my hypnosis?" Nandor asked as the plates were set before him.

"Of yours, yes," Carlos said. "I still have some notes I want to go over with you after dinner."

"After dinner," Cecil emphasized. "Earl and the gang went to a lot of trouble for this."

Cecil, Carlos, and Guillermo were presented with squid ink this and red pepper that. Nandor was given blood: warmed, chilled, foamed, pressed, molded. When Earl came from the kitchen to explain the menu, he explained how Night Vale's blood stones made it so people were used to having to bleed. Each dish had blood from a different consenting donor, someone who had been carefully vetted. Earl's quiet voice and gory words put Nandor into a near-trance. Earl left him dazed, and explained the human food to the other three.

He smiled at Cecil. Guillermo frowned at both of them. Carlos shook his head at Guillermo. Nandor was still entranced by the different forms of blood before him, and noticed nothing.

Guillermo took a bite. "This is amazing, Earl," he said, both because it was true and because he was being mean.

Earl smiled at him and Guillermo felt better.

"Can I keep that one?" Nandor asked.

"No," Cecil said while Guillermo was still trying to find the right follow up question to ask. 

"Can I have my own bloodstone?" Nandor asked as he twirled spun blood that looked like cotton candy. 

"Maybe," Cecil said. "We'll send you one for the holidays this year." 

Nandor smiled, baring his fangs. 

Guillermo watched Nandor eat. He was playing with his food, which had been designed just for that. Vampires were always playing with their food. If and when Guillermo became a vampire, he would do the same. 

"Memo, aren't you hungry?" Carlos asked. 

Guillermo blinked, and looked back to his plate. He snuck a quick glance at the other plates. He was well behind. "Yeah, I'm just enjoying this place."

"It's very beautiful here," Nandor said, addressing only Cecil. "You do your god Huntokhar proud with this blood candy."

"Master, they--" Guillermo started, stopping only because he didn't even know what to say.

Nandor was smiling. Cecil was also smiling, whatever quantity of eyes that he had beaming with pride. "Thank you, Nandor the Relentless. We're going to miss you."

"I will miss Night Vale." Nandor shrugged. "Maybe Guillermo and I will come back before he is turned into a vampire." 

Guillermo's lips parted and stayed that way. 

"Hopefully that means you'll be back soon," Cecil said. 

"Hopefully," Guillermo said.

"Fucking guy," Nandor said, staring down his goblet of spiced blood that had been taken from an inebriated Tourniquet employee solely for his drink. He turned towards Guillermo, summoning the undead breath to berate his familiar. Cecil didn't frown, just stopped smiling. Nandor looked at Cecil's impossible face. "Yes. We are all full of hope. In the morning, Guillermo and I will return to Staten Island with the knowledge we have gained here." He smiled tightly. "And everything will be just as it has been."

"No," Guillermo said.

"Except everything will be slightly different because... I... Guillermo, what will be different?" Nandor said, brow furrowed as he was unable to find the end of that sentence.

"We'll appreciate what we have," Guillermo said, resigning himself to the life that he had.

"Yes!" Nandor said, dangerously sloshing his goblet. "Because I have you, and I appreciate that."

"Yeah," Guillermo said, a little dazed.

Dinner ended with a carefully concocted dessert. Guillermo wasn't sure that he didn't accidentally get some of Nandor's virginal blood in his own chocolate. If he was going to be changed soon, it wouldn't be the worst way to start.

"Good night, Tourniquet!" Nandor declared as they left. Guillermo wasn't sure if he was trying to imitate Cecil or not. "Good night!"


End file.
